


5 Times John had an Inappropriate Erection, and 1 Time Someone Else had a Very Appropriate One.

by Mercurialfan



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: 5 Times, Awkward Boners, Inappropriate Erections, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-03-02
Packaged: 2018-05-24 09:38:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6149332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercurialfan/pseuds/Mercurialfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(And then John did too.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Times John had an Inappropriate Erection, and 1 Time Someone Else had a Very Appropriate One.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marmolita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marmolita/gifts).



> For Marmolita, who was very disappointed with the lack of inappropriate erections in SGA fic.

1.

“I really think you should see Doctor Beckett, Major,” Teyla urged. “A wraith tried to feed on you!”

“And Ford shot him before he could really start, I'm fine. I just want to take a shower and sleep for a day.” John replied, putting as much authority in his voice as he could manage.

“You don't look fine, Major. You're walking funny. Did you hurt your back?” Rodney immediately piped up.

John resisted brutally murdering his teammates, but only barely. They meant well. Plus, they were almost at the gate, he only had to hold on for a few more minutes. The moment he was in the privacy of his own quarters he would take care of his problem. No one needed to know.

“With all due respect Sir, you look a little flushed. Are you sure you don't need any help?” Ford asked tentatively.

John grit his teeth. “Just dial the gate and get us home please.”

No, no one could ever find out about the massive erection he was sporting ever since the wraith had wrestled him to the ground. Adrenaline just did funny things to a man's body, okay?

2.

The water was nice and warm, soothing sore muscles and offering some relief for his aching joints. John closed his eyes and slid down a bit further in the jacuzzi some marines had found while exploring the city.

“Mind if I join you, Sir?” Someone asked.

John cracked open his eyes, recognizing his second in command. Like John, Lorne was wearing swim shorts, but nothing else.

“Sure, there's plenty of space, if you don't mind sharing with your boss,” John replied lightly.

Lorne shook his head. “To be honest, at this point I'd share with my mom. I'm still sore from that run in with those cow things on Vijira yesterday.”

John winced. “Yeah, that was a bit of a mess, wasn't it? The jacuzzi works miracles though, hop in.”

Lorne nodded gratefully and found a place directly across from John. John closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift.

He must have fallen asleep, because when he opened his eyes again, he noticed two things: one; he was alone, and two; he was sporting an impressive erection. John stared down in horror at his treacherous dick. How long had he been like that? Did Lorne see it? Was that why he left without saying anything? He squeezed his eyes shut, silently cursing himself. With a sigh, he heaved himself up out of the water. No more bubble baths for John Sheppard until he could get himself under control.

3.

“The tsunami is going to be here in less than two minutes!” Rodney bellowed, white eyed and panting. “Sheppard, you need to get Atlantis in the air, NOW!”

“Rodney I'm trying, shut up for a moment, okay?!” John spat out, hands gripping the armrests of the Chair in a death grip.

“Come on baby, come on”, John thought desperately at Atlantis, “I need you to fly, just for a few minutes.”

Suddenly his head was filled with groaning and squeaking, and then-,

“We're airborne! Sheppard, you're doing it! Try to keep her in the air for just a little longer, the wave is already almost past us.” Rodney said excitedly.

John could barely nod, all his focus on keeping Atlantis in the air. Strange, but not unpleasant sensations coursed through him, making his extremities tingle. And not just his arms and legs, John suddenly noticed, mortified. He could hear Rodney and the other scientists putter around him, still excitedly waving each other over to look at readouts.

His erection would have to disappear before anyone noticed. He would never live it down otherwise.

“Down boy, down!” He tried thinking at his penis.

“Sheppard, what are you doing? The water is still too high, Atlantis needs to stay in the air for just a little bit longer!” Rodney barked at him.

Shit. Apparently, thinking 'down' at his dick, also brought Atlantis down. How was this his life? He tried to subtly move his legs a bit upwards, hiding the bulge in his pants.

“You can set her down now, Sheppard.”

John was out of the Chair before Atlantis had even fully settled, fleeing to his quarters; ignoring Rodney's puzzled “John?”

4.

John tried to make himself as small and unobtrusive as possible. From the corner of his left eye he snuck a look at his partner-in-crime. Rodney was sitting ramrod straight, nervously staring at his hands. Looking at them both was Elizabeth, arms crossed in front of her chest, ready to fire them both on the spot.

“What the hell were you thinking?! Why would you ever think it was a good idea to use C-4 to open a door to an unknown room?” Elizabeth fumed.

John winced. It had been a pretty stupid idea, and he had no one to blame but himself. And Rodney. He shifted awkwardly in his chair.

“Elizabeth, we thought there might be a ZPM storage behind that door, we simply had to get in.” Rodney tried. “The database clearly said -”

“The database didn't say anything about ZPMs, only about 'a source of great power'! Which in this case meant explosives, Rodney.”

“But-”

“You blew up half a tower.”

John chanced a look at Rodney again. Rodney was clearly feeling guilty, but he wasn't about to go down without a fight. It was time John stepped in.

“Elizabeth, we really-”

“John, I don't want to hear it. You could have both died, and so could have several other members of this expedition. Rodney is a scientist, I have sort of come to expect this kind of behavior from him. But you are the military leader of Atlantis! What was going through your mind, for heaven's sake?”

John stared shamefully at his knees, Elizabeth's harsh words ringing in his ears. It had been a while since he had to defend himself like this. He desperately searched for something to say, but then his thoughts were interrupted by a sensation in his lower body. Since he was still meekly staring at his knees, he could easily see how his pants had gotten a bit tight in the crotch area.

Seriously, body? Now is the best time to get a boner? John thought incredulously.

“John, are you listening to me?”

“I... ehm...” John tried.

Elizabeth sighed. “You know what, I have to coordinate the cleanup for the mess the two of you made. I really don't have time for this right now. Please get out of my office. I will send you both an email to discuss this further. Dismissed.”

Before John could blink Rodney had bolted. Great. There was no way he could stand up now without giving his boss an eyeful.

“If you don't mind, I would really like to clear the air right now. I would hate to leave things like this.” John tried. “I'll help you with the clean up too.”

Elizabeth looked at him critically. John stared back, unblinking. He really needed her to go for it, or he would never be able to look her in the eye again. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Elizabeth sighed.

“Very well. But don't think you're off the hook, Colonel.”

John just sighed internally. Crisis averted.

5.

“The Dance of the Birds in Spring is their most important dance, John.” Teyla whispered. “It is a great honor that we have been invited to witness it.”

“As long as I don't have to participate, I'm fine with going, Teyla,” John replied. “When does it start?”

“Right now, actually,” Teyla grinned, “they were just waiting for you to accept the invitation.”

“Ah.”

“Please, honored guests, take a seat!” Jul, the leader of the tribe said happily. “We shall bless you with our dance!”

John and his team carefully sat down on the rickety chairs. The members of the tribe that would not be participating sat down as well. John noticed that they were mostly the old and the very young, which would leave the young adults to do the dance.

Before he had time to think about what that would mean, the music, mostly drums, started, and so did the dancing. Beside him, John could hear Rodney let out a gasp, and it was not difficult to see why. The dancers were all completely naked.

John blinked and looked at Ronon. Ronon had a wide grin on his face and when he saw John staring at him, he winked. John blushed and turned his gaze to Teyla, who was looking serenely at the dancers. John shook his head and turned back to watch the performance. He blinked again. If this was dancing, he didn't want to know what their foreplay looked like. Sweaty, lean bodies were gyrating, men and women touching each other and themselves, all to the sound of the drums. It was mesmerizing to watch and even though John used all his willpower to remain unaffected, his dick took an interest.

Here we go again, John thought. Good thing the suns had already gone down and this planet did not have a moon. His erection would not be very visible in only the light of the fires. Still, he was really, really glad he did not have to participate.

+1.

“I still think this game sucks.” John complained.

“You just say that because you're terrible at it.” Ronon grinned.

“It's a dumb game! I'll never be able to get that cloth away from you with only one hand, and in the meantime you keep beating me up!”

“We can quit, you know.”

“No,” John replied stubbornly, “let's try again.”

It had been a while since the two of them had played 'grab-the-flag', but John was determined not to lose this time. Or, more realistically, to win at least one round. It really shouldn't be so difficult to get a piece of cloth that was hanging from Ronon's waistband away from him.

John charged, purposely not waiting for Ronon to get ready. It was not fair, but then again, hadn't the Satedan said this was supposed to simulate a battle? He barely managed to land one blow, before Ronon ducked, twisted and swept John legs out from under him. John landed on his back, breath knocked out of him. With a final, desperate move he hooked his legs around Ronon's legs and pulled. He must have surprised Ronon, because with a strangled yell, Ronon fell over, landing fully on John.

It was perhaps not the smartest move, John mused, since breathing was pretty much a long forgotten luxury at the moment, but it was nice to finally win. He wriggled an arm free and reached for Ronon's cloth. However, before he could get a firm grip so he could yank it free, Ronon was already moving up, which meant that instead of a handful of cloth, John got a handful of Ronon's ass.

John froze, and so did Ronon. Ronon recovered quicker, and lowered himself again. This did not improve the situation in the slightest, because John could now feel Ronon's impressive erection nudging his leg.

“Um.” John choked, lying completely still.

“Oh, sorry about that,” Ronon replied, sounding not in the least bit bothered, “you people consider this taboo, right?”

“Some of us, yes.” John said softly.

Ronon, who was once again raising himself up, held still.

“And you?” He asked suddenly. “Do you consider this taboo?”

Very slowly, John shook his head. “No, I don't actually.”

With a grin, Ronon lowered himself again.

This time, his erection was matched by John's.

**Author's Note:**

> My [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mercurialfan)


End file.
